You're lost, afraid, alone, the darkness is closing in, and in your desperation, you are willing to throw God under the bus, and press on, on your own. Unfortunately, that doesn't work, and life becomes "wash, rinse, repeat."
As tough as it may seems; now is the time to humble yourself, turn to God, and lean on Jesus. Asking Jesus into your life as your Lord and Savior, may not turn things around overnight, but there is a peace and hope that is not found in yourself. As much as we think we can control things, we cannot. I speak from personal experience.
When it seems no one else does; God loves you. When you feel no one else wants you, God wants to have a relationship with you. When others turn away and abandon you; He will still be there.
Please do not give up hope. Ask Jesus for forgiveness, ask Him into your heart, and ask Him to be your Lord and Savior. The journey may not get easier, but you have someone who will never abandon you, even in your darkest hour.
This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, And saved him from his troubles.