I wrote this a few years back. Who knew it would be relevant today?
If I separate the jelly babies by color and eat the red ones last, does that make me a segregationist? Racist? Perhaps a candist? For years, really, people have been separating candy by color and eating their favorite first, or last, and suffering through the other colors or, in an act of fake kindness, sharing the least favorite with a friend or family member.
I remember Van Halen requesting bowls M&Ms, sans the brown, in their dressing room. Come to think of it, M&Ms would seem to be the last bastion of racism. Have you ever seen a white M&M in your milk chocolate bag? No. Red, Yellow, Green, Light Brown, Brown, Blue, and some type of an Orange, but no White.
Sure, there are White M&Ms, but they are a specialty item and are wantonly segregated from the “Rainbow of Colors,” you’ll find in every package of Milk Chocolate M&Ms. My attorney, Lou Juvara, is filing a civil rights action against the Mars Corporation, and, I understand, a class action suit, in Federal Court.
“Given that in recent years M&Ms have been given anthropomorphic features, white children with aspirations of becoming an M&M Chocolate have suffered greatly, as no white M&M role model has been seen in any advertising,” stated Juvara during an interview with Mika Brzezinski on Morning Joe.
Whites, especially white males, once again felt the ugly taste of reverse discrimination with each swallow of delectable chocolate. This slight has ruined the enjoyment of eating this treat, and caused panic attacks at parties across the country. There have been several cases of post-traumatic stress syndrome reported after white folks have watched M&M commercials during the Super Bowl and have been humiliated by the lack of white M&M representation.
“The insensitivity, in this matter is beyond the pale,” stated Juvara at the press conference launching the legal action. “This is a situation that needs to be repaired sooner, rather than, later. That’s why we are seeking $ 250 million dollars in reparations, and a simple quota, in which, each bag of chocolate M&Ms must contain no less than 53% white M&Ms.”
As this case winds its way through the court system, I only have two questions for you:
Does everything have to be about race?
Do you still separate your candy by color?